What Makes a Pickle? - Thursday Thought #15

Let's examine pickles.

What makes a pickle? Is it the word? The name? If pickles were called something else, would its chemical and physical makeup be changed? I think not. Therefore, for the sake of this blog post, let's call pickles blorbnacks.

Now, blorbnacks are green and have bumps on them. In addition, they taste very good. I love sinking my teeth into a heap of blorbnacks.

Therefore, we see that blorbnacks are actually toads.

The thing is, blorbnacks are hard to catch. They hop around all over the place and hide in the tall grass. It takes a lot of skill, determination, and fortitude to catch a blorbnack,

Therefore, we see that blorbnacks are actually Pokemon.

Your average blorbnack is actually fairly easy to recognize. If you've spent a lot of time with blorbnacks, you can probably name them on sight.

Therefore, we see that blorbnacks are actually your coworkers.

Some blorbnacks are all right to be around, but others are just insufferable. You always have to avoid that one blorbnack who smells awful all the time, and has that strange habit of spitting everywhere.

Therefore, we see that blorbnacks are actually camels.

And I am a camel.

THEREFORE. I AM A PICKLE.

And you thought the header image was anything but dead serious.

How Do You Compliment Your Crush? - Thinkjoust Tuesday #57

One of the best ways to indicate your interest in your crush is to compliment them somehow. Of course, attempting such an act can sometimes lead to disaster. You know what this is like.

Your crush unexpectedly walks into the room and turns you into a mumbling, blathering fool. "Hi there!" you shriek. "I am person!"

Your crush gives you a worried look. "Yes," they say. "Yes you are."

Oh, snap! you think. I'm making an idiot of myself in front of Gorgeous McHotface! Searching for inspiration to recover, you glance around the room and see a couch, a DVD of The Princess Bride, and your half-eaten lunch. Perfect, you think. I'll see if Gorgeous wants to watch a movie.

"Couch Bride ate my lunch!" you say. "Punch princess for revenge?"

Your crush backs away slowly.

Aaarrrgh! you scream inside your head. Stupid! Stupid! Ok, just compliment them! One compliment can smooth this whole debacle over!

Even setting this obviously ridiculous scenario aside, how do you compliment your crushes? Is there a specific method that works for you, or do you just go with what feels right in the moment?

Let me know in the comments, and I'll discuss my own patented complimenting techniques this Saturday!

My Life as a Camel - Thursday Thought #10

I recently woke up and realized something very important.

Camels have teeth.

I have teeth.

Therefore, I am a camel.

Life as a camel is great!

I don't get thirsty in this hot weather. I stomp anywhere I want. I don't need haircuts. I don''t worry about getting parking tickets. I never lose my wallet, because I can't really pick it up anymore.Being a camel rocks!

Of course, some people get upset with me. "You're not a camel!" they say. "You're a human!"

"No, seriously," I said. "I'm definitely a camel. I even have The Black Eyed Peas' single My Humps on constant repeat. And I don't even find the music intellectually stimulating!"

I have other problems when I'm asked to verify my identity.

"Sir, let me check your photo ID," a cashier might say.

"Sure thing," I'll say. "But I'm a camel now, so I probably don't look like my photograph."

The cashier peers at my plastic card. "I think you look a lot like you."

"Why, thank you," I say. "But let's be honest, my face is way longer now."

For whatever reason, the cashier's expression assumes traits associated with both confusion and abject terror. "Um, sure," she says. "Can you take your wallet now? You've left it here for two weeks."

"Ooo, no can do," I say. "I can't really pick it up. Camel feet and all."

The sad thing is, I'm often discriminated against. I can't tell you how many times restaurants have denied my patronage, persecuting me for my species.

"Is that it?" I say, wiping a tear from my eye. "You won't let me eat here because I'm a camel?"

"Listen," the manager says. "I don't care what you think you are, no shirt, no shoes, no service!"

"DISCRIMINATION!" I bellow. "I deserve the right to eat a burger however I want!"

Of course, my love for burgers has alienated me from my fellow ungulates, the bovines.

"Look," I say to my cow friends. "I eat burgers because I like the taste, not because I have anything against you as a species or even you personally."

"Moooo," a cow says.

"Oh, shut it, Daisy!" I yell. "Nobody asked a milk trollop like you!"

At this point, a farmer runs up to me. "Hey, get out of my field, kid!"

"I didn't see a sign saying anything about no shirt, no shoes, no service!" I say. "I have every right to talk to these cows as my equals and brother-in-arms!"

"Moooo," a cow says.

"It's a gender-neutral phrase, Daisy! It wastes everyone's time if I have to say 'brothers-and-sisters-in-arms.' And it doesn't roll off the tongue besides!"

Even though my perfectly normal daily life has become a bit of a struggle, not everything is terrible. You would think my gaming skills haven't improved, but I've become an amazing trash-talker.

"Who keeps spitting into the mic?" my unsuspecting opponents ask.

My relationship with my girlfriend, on the other hand, has reached an all-time low.

"Why do you keep spitting on my TV?" she asks.

"Chloe just dumped Brad on national television!" I say. "Curse you, US daytime soap opera! CURSE YOU!"

If I have to live in a world where Chloe and Brad aren't together, maybe being a camel isn't actually all that great.

I guess I'll have to rip out my teeth.

Spiders vs. Mosquitoes - Thinkjoust Tuesday #54

You wake up.

Darkness surrounds you, an oppressive gloom sapping all input to your eyes. You sit up and feel for something, perhaps a light switch, but on the first three walls you find, you feel nothing but bricks.

As your hands brush against the fourth wall, you feel cold plastic beneath your fingertips. At your touch, the entire walls lights up with a pale blue light, momentarily blinding you. As your eyes adjust, you realize you've inadvertently turned on a touchscreen.

The touchscreen itself is nondescript, though the displayed information is somewhat unnerving.

You briefly contemplate hitting 'no' just to be a troll, but then worry that whoever's asking just might take you literally. You use your pointing digit and strike the 'yes' option.

I just did, you think. Gosh, so demanding.

You don't even have to be told which two insects are the most hated. Spiders and Mosquitoes, you think. Duh. But then you begin to wonder. If this machine really has that capability, why not just kill both of them?

The uncanny answer to your previous question seems both reasonable and illogical, but you ignore all that because something new has come up on your screen.

Ha! you think. I am totally biased, and they don't even know it. Suckers.

Well, that was uncalled for, you think.

Oh, and now you're making me do your dirty work? Shame on you, mysterious person behind all this! I bet this is a prank, anyway. I wouldn't put it past neighbor Bob to throw something like this together.

Eh. Still sounds like neighbor Bob.

All right already, you think. I've been waiting for this.

So now's your chance. Which do you choose? Be sure to leave your comments below or on social media, and I'll respond to your choice this next Saturday!

Milky Way Commercials: The Ultimate Mystery - Thursday Thought #6

I don't know if anyone else has thought much about the new* Milky Way commercials, but by the ever-lovin' hair on a llama's rump, I certainly have! There is something bizarre going on in these things!

If you don't know what I'm talking about, check out this:

Let me break down why I'm obsessed with this ad campaign.

Many commercials utilize the concept of 'audience surrogacy' in their campaigns. The idea is that the audience will want to be the character presented in the commercial, and therefore will buy the product the character uses. Examples of this include these two commcercials, which are both part of larger campaigns seeking to resonate with their audience.**

When someone watches these commercials, the advertisers hope to inspire their consumers. "Wow!" we're supposed to think. "That man is so dang desirable/interesting because he uses this shampoo/drinks this alcohol! I want to be like him, so I should do what he's doing!"

So let's go back to the Milky Way commercials.

In them, we meet a colorful cast of characters who are remarkably apathetic. From lumberjacks to tattoo artists, these people frequently fail to accomplish even the most basic of tasks because they were 'eating a Milky Way.' Even poor 'regerts' guy, who may now have gathered a few regerts despite his permanently emboldened claims to the contrary, doesn't seem to care that much about his lamentable fate. I would have gone ballistic.

In the end, however, there is nothing about these incompetent, unaware, self-centered Milky Way fanatics that make me want to be like them. At first glance, it would appear as though the Mars confectionery company has failed to produce an ad campaign that promotes the consumption of their product.

But then again, why have I been buying so many Milky Way bars this past week? 

*My further research suggests that these commercials are actually over a year old. However, I hadn't seen a single one until this past week. Now I've seen hundreds of them, for some reason. New push, old material?

**I am merely using these commercials to make and prove points. I neither endorse nor condone the featured products.

Confessions: Ornery at All Times and in All Things

So I pulled up to the drive-thru at McDonald's. There was a car at the speaker, the caboose of a line leading past the payment and receiving windows. I pulled in behind this last car. Excellent, I thought. I won't have to wait long.

But then I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Finally, the car moved forward. I drove up to the speaker and placed my own order. The guy on the other end was super nice and helpful.

But then the line ahead remained stagnant.

So I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

I'd been sitting in the line for over ten minutes, and I still hadn't even moved past the first step.

"Man," I said out loud. "What is happening?"

I hadn't expected a response. It was a rhetorical question designed to allow me to vent my frustration in a calm, controlled manner.

"I'm sorry," a voice said. "We just got a big order."

I jumped so hard, I smacked my head on the ceiling of my car.

Turns out, McDonald's' speakers are always on, thus allowing the order-taking employees to hear all my outbursts of thought.

I felt terrible immediately. I knew I must have sounded like an impatient, selfish jerk. I apologized profusely over the speaker, and then did so again once I met the guy in person at the payment window.

My thoughts on the experience were pretty simple. I was willing to voice my impatience and frustration by myself, to myself. The thing was, if I had known someone was listening in, I wouldn't have.

D. L. Moody defined character as what you are in the dark. In essence, this means that you are most you when you are all by yourself, not trying to impress anyone, not trying to please anyone, just being you, yourself, and you again.

I realized that even though I don't consider myself to be a rude and impatient customer, maybe I would be if I only had to serve myself. I don't know. Either way, I am now determined to do a better job making sure things like long lines at fast food joints don't cause me to act in a way I wouldn't be proud of.

Will you take the same challenge?

Salt Lake Comic Con #FANX16 - My Experience Through Memes

This past weekend, I traveled with my employer, Future House Publishing, to the bi-annual Salt Lake City Comic Con, affectionately called 'Fan Xperience.'

I worked hard to ship books, carry books, sell books, and talk about books as much as I could, working with fellow employees and authors alike to promote our brand and pique interest in the amazing things we're doing over here.

Of course, I saw an opportunity to detail my experience (and all its idiosyncrasies) through the medium of memes. Once I came home, I prepared everything and threw them into this blog post.

Enjoy!

Which Date Should You Kiss On? - Thinkjoust Tuesday #40

Let's talk about dating etiquette!

My personal policy is that I don't kiss anyone until I've made a commitment to them. I will not be changing this policy anytime soon.

At the same time, a few of my friend's female friends recently told him they expect to be kissed on the second date. After all, they said, if the guy hasn't kissed you by then, that means he's not interested. They wouldn't believe the guy is interested even if he's asked for a third date.

I found their philosophy, which was so contrary to mine, fascinating. My friend's friends and I represented two different ends of a wide spectrum. If I were to date someone looking for a second date kiss, then I might unintentionally alienate them by operating under my own policy. My friend and I discussed how many potential relationships may end based on people holding these sorts of differing viewpoints.

I'm writing this blog post to try and get a feel for the average first kiss expectations among my readers. I plan to use Saturday's post to present my findings. My studies will include any arguments you deliver via the comments section or social media engagements.

I look forward to hearing what you have to say.

Traffic Week: Rubbernecking and Why I Hate It

That's right, folks, I have a whole series of posts chatting about traffic! Will I have fun writing them? Definitely! Will you question my ability to write six different posts about traffic? Absolutely! Will I write them anyway?

HECK YES.

Thank you, Meme Faces, for illustrating my rage in ways I never could have written.

Seriously, why do people rubberneck? Let me give you several reasons why you should never rubberneck.

1.) Rubbernecking is pointless.

No matter how long you look at the aftermath of a car accident, you will never be able to figure out all the details. If you start rubbernecking so you can 'figure out what happened,' guess what? I can already tell you what happened. AN ACCIDENT, GENIUS/.You'll never know who was at fault, how many people were injured, how much property damage was caused, or, really, any other detail. An accident's an accident. Move along!

2.) Rubbernecking is rude.

So somebody just got into a car wreck, they're pretty shaken up, police are firing hundreds of questions at them, and now they got the ENTIRE HIGHWAY gawking at their plight. Hey, listen up, rubberneckers, didn't your mamma ever tell you it's rude to stare? And if she didn't, let me tell you something: IT'S FLINAZZLING RUDE TO STARE,

3.) Rubbernecking is selfish.

Let me expose the mindset of a rubbernecker. "Oh, hey, look, someone having a bad day! I'm just going to slow down and stare at them for a while. Who cares that there are hundreds of people behind me, trying to reach home or work or other important things. Yep, I'm just going to slow down and take my time to ogle the accident. I'm in no rush, so why should anyone else be?"

Yo, listen up.

STAHP IT.

The Strong Ox and the Weak Ox - A Parable [V-Day Week 2016 EXTRA]

As I wrote last Wednesday's post, I thought of a cool little parable to illustrate my points. Unfortunately, the post became super long, so I decided to cut the parable and feature it in a different post.

 If you would like to know what inspired this story, or if you would like more knowledge about how oxen pull together, click here and read the three paragraphs that begin with "President Boyd K. Packer ..."

A group of oxen were milling around in their pasture when a farmer came by. "Hey there, oxes!" he said.

"We're called oxen," the Nerdy Ox said.

"Whatever," the farmer said. "I need two of you oxes to pull my cart to the next farm over. Who's willing to lend me a hand?"

"We don't have hands, but we'll lend you a hoof!" the Nerdy Ox said.

The farmer pointed at the Nerdy Ox. "He's not invited. Is anyone else willing to volunteer?"

Two oxen stepped forward. One was much larger than the other. "We can do it," said the Strong Ox. "I'm a little bit stronger than him, but we're best friends. I'm sure we can manage."

"Well, let me yoke ya, and we'll get goin'!" said the farmer.

The two oxen pulled the farmer's cart along. However, the Small Ox tired. He had to push much harder to keep up with his stronger friend. It didn't take long for the Small Ox to drag his hooves. The Strong Ox didn't notice at first, pulling her load as best as she could, but because she carried a majority of the weight, she tired as well. Both oxen came to a stop.

"What are you doing?" the farmer said. "We still have miles and miles to go!"

"Something is wrong," the Strong Ox said. She looked to her smaller companion. "What is wrong, my friend?"

The Small Ox ducked his head in shame. "I am not as strong as you. I cannot keep up with your pace, and as such, have allowed you to pull most of the weight."

"I see," said the Strong Ox. "I really did believe we could do it together. However, I see that, because I am stronger than you, we cannot work as a team as well as we would like to. Let us go back, and I will find a more equal partner."

The oxen pulled the cart back to the pasture. The farmer replaced the Small Ox with the New Ox, whose strength matched the Strong Ox. The Small Ox watched with sadness as his friend worked with the New Ox to pull the farmer's cart forward out of sight.

After some time, a new farmer came rolling up in his cart. "I need two oxen to help me pull my cart to the next farm!" he said.

"Thank you for calling us oxen!" the Nerdy Ox said. "I was worried none of you ignorant farmers knew anything about proper English semantics!"

The new farmer thought about what the Nerdy Ox would taste like in a burger.

The Small Ox turned away from new farmer, ashamed, but then the Other Ox nuzzled his side. The Small Ox saw she was close to his size. 

"Come on," the Other Ox said. "Let us pull this farmer's cart."

"But I already failed to pull one cart," the Small Ox said. "How can I pull another?"

"Because we are of the same size," the Other Ox said. "And together, we will share the load."

So the new farmer yoked the Small Ox and the Other Ox. 

The two oxen shared the same weight and load. Neither pushed ahead of the other. Together, they pulled the cart all the way to the next farm over, where the Strong Ox and the New Ox waited.

V-Day Week 2016: Why Breaking Up is an Act of Love

For the remainder of this post, I will use the term 'breakup' to refer to any act that stalls a relationship's forward progress. A breakup traditionally refers to a severed relationship commitment, but my usage includes people who decide against pursuing further romantic possibilities with potential partners.

Breakups are hard. I remember one particular breakup that left me frankly pathetic. I consoled myself by eating an unhealthy amount of Zebra Cakes. My roommate came home one day to find me laying in a pile of empty boxes and plastic wrappers, enough to make an empty-box-plastic-wrapper snow angel.

"Why?" I asked my roommate.

He closed the door and pretended he hadn't seen me.

As you know from Monday's post, I've been on a lot of dates, but I've rarely been able to form a committed relationship. Sometimes, we decide to remain friends. Sometimes, she decides the relationship won't go anywhere. Sometimes, I decide the relationship won't go anywhere.

It can hurt when you or your partner end a romantic relationship, especially when you've put effort into making things work. In the case of my Zebra Cake breakup, I felt like I'd gone back to square one. I felt like I was stuck in traction. I felt like all the progress I'd made was futile. I felt abandoned, betrayed, and hurt.

I will admit that some breakups are more painful than they have to be, especially when a partner acts cruel or insensitive. However, I really do believe that most breakups are engineered with love in mind.

Some couples may try to make things work, but something keeps them from moving forward at an equal pace. The partners may have different senses of humor. They may have have different life goals. They may have opposing interests or beliefs. Maybe one partner thinks the other is super annoying. Either way, no matter how much people are willing to bend, someone may decide moving forward could be easier with someone else.

If someone doesn't feel equal or loved in a relationship, then it is time for a breakup. Maybe a partner feels they're pulling all the weight in the relationship. Maybe they feel they're not doing enough for the relationship. It doesn't matter, because no matter what you say to your partner when you break up with them, you convey a universal message.

"Look, we're not progressing forward like we should. We need to find people with whom we're more compatible. If we do, then we'll reach our final destination, maybe not together, but with someone else who pulls our same load."

When a girl breaks up with me, I know she's really telling me to find someone who fulfills my relationship needs in ways she can't. She doesn't hate or despise me. She wants me to be as happy as she hopes to be when she finds her equal.

That, my friends, is an act of love.

V-Day Week 2016: What Girls Want Guys to Know (and Vice Versa) - Thinkjoust Tuesday #35

Welcome to the blog post with the longest title ever, but you should have seen my original attempts. Here's an example.

V-Day Week 2016: In which I invite a discussion between guys and girls to determine which facts about each other the two genders wish they understood on an intimate level - Thinkjoust Tuesday Number Thirty-Five

BLUH.

If you managed to make it through two overly-long titles, then you deserve to make your voice heard.

I plan to use Saturday's post to write my thoughts about ...

1.) What girls wish guys knew.

2.) What guys wish girls knew.

However, I can only do this if you add to the discussion. Your comments are essential to helping me accurately portray the thoughts of your respective gender.

Say anything you want! Want to say nice things? Comment below or on social media! Do you want to vent your grievances about the opposite gender? Comment anonymously! Either way, your comments will be featured on Saturday's post.

Not sure what sort of stuff to say? Here's an example, something I want girls to know about me.

I understand that a lot of girls want to be chased, and I'm willing to chase. However, if I'm the only one putting in any effort, there will come a point when I give up on you. I believe a relationship should be built on mutual respect, trust, and equality. I don't want to chase you if you're just making yourself a prize to be won. That degrades my role in our relationship because I am made to feel inferior to you, and it degrades your role in our relationship because you become less of a person and more of an object of my desire.

There's my comment! Add your own, and I'll see you Saturday!

V-Day Week 2016: The Top 10 Pieces of Dating Advice I Hate

In honor of the week leading up to Valentine's Day, I have prepared a series of posts all about love and romance!

I've been single for close to four years now. Many people treat my situation like a disease, and they offer free advice about how I can rid myself of this irksome ailment. The promised 'cure' comes in the form of cliche phrases.

I dislike these 'cure-alls' enough that I wrote an exaggerated blog post about them! Let's take a look!

Note: I wrote these from my own perspective. Re-imagine them with you in mind!

"It's a numbers game."

Let me tell you something. In the six months after I came back home from my mission, I went on one hundred first dates. One. Hundred. That does not count second or third or even fifth dates. That does not count the 13 months I spent dating since then. In comparison, some of my male friends go on ten, maybe fifteen dates at the most in between relationships. TELL ME IT'S A NUMBERS GAME ONE MORE TIME.

"It's their loss."

Maybe it's my loss. Just stop and think about that for a second.

"Honesty is the best policy."

Sure thing! Next time I go on a blind date, and she asks me what my interests are, I'll tell her all about Dungeons and Dragons. Oh, does she also know I watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic? And let's be honest, if she's willing to accept me even then, just wait until she finds out I'm a blogger.

"Find people with similar interests."

Sure thing! I'll just join the Novel-Writing Blog-Posting Poetry-Penning Drum-Beating Uke-Strumming Ballad-Singing Poor-Acting Cartoon-Drawing Webcomic-Reading TV-Watching Video-Gaming Musical-Listening Fan Club just down the street! I love the NWBPPPDBUSBSPACDWRTVWVGMLFC SO MUCH.

"Opposites attract."

But ... you literally just told me to find people with similar interests. Like, literally SIX SENTENCES AGO. And what, pray tell, is my opposite? Is it someone shorter than me? Taller than me? Cooler than me? More muscular than me? More attractive than me? Someone with interests dissimilar to my own? What, exactly, is the interest opposite novel writing? I'm waiting!

"Go after what you want."

Well, now I don't know what I want! Do I want my exact opposite? Do I want someone with similar interests? Do I want someone who's honest with me, or someone who goes to the grave hiding their secrets? And maybe I'm less interested in what I want, and more interested in what I need. Ever think of that?

"There are plenty of fish in the sea."

You're absolutely right! But a majority of those fish aren't anywhere near me, and most of the rest aren't interested in my bait! Let's imagine a proper fisherman spending three hours leading his hooked catch toward the boat before his line snaps and the fish gets away. If you try to tell that fisherman there are plenty of fish in the sea, he will kill you. The fisherman doesn't care about what he might catch, he only cares about losing the catch he already had.

"You'll find her when you stop looking."

That doesn't make a dang lick of sense. Isn't the guy supposed to be the one initiating things? If I stop looking, I will literally stop going on dates.

"Being single is better anyway ..." (from a single person)

Oh, really. Then why were you whining about your recent break-up only last week. 

"Being single is better anyway ..." (from someone in a relationship) 

Break-up, then! What the heck are you waiting for?

And, my favorite bit of dating advice to hate ...

"If she wants you to kiss her, make her wait another week, and then kiss her."

For starters, how the heck am I supposed to know if she wants me to kiss her? And honestly, what does making her wait a week accomplish? Is it so her 'desire' for me will increase because I'm keeping her from what she wants? Well, let me tell you, I want a girl to come back to me for who I am, not for what I can offer.

Well, there you go! I hope you enjoyed chuckling with this post as much as I enjoyed writing it! I'll see you as we approach Valentine's Day!

Daya & HIDE AWAY: Why Guys Should Stop Complaining About Paying for Dates

Every time I have started driving in the past two weeks, I have heard Adele's Hello.

This is not a hyperbole.

LITERALLY, WHENEVER I get into my CAR, my RADIO asks HOW I AM, WHERE I'VE BEEN, and IF I MADE IT OUT OF TOWN.

This is notable because I don't do a lot of driving. I commute back and forth to work, I buy groceries, and I might even visit a friend. I'm in the car anywhere from three to nine minutes, tops.

I may turn on the radio during the back end of Hello. I may catch the middle of Hello. More often, Hello starts the second I turn the key.

I AM SICK OF HELLO.

But I'm not here to talk about Hello. I'm here to talk about Daya's Hide Away.

I like the musicality of Hide Away, even if I don't like the question the lyrics pose. Good boys go to hide away in Provo, obviously. I mean, look at me! I'm right here!

I recently heard Hide Away on the radio, right after I ground my teeth through another rendition of Adele's Hello. I was already familiar with Hide Away, but this time, I noticed something in the lyrics I never had before. The important lyrics come right before the first bridge and chorus.

"... Girls seem to like the boys who don't appreciate
all the money and time that it takes
to be fly as a mother ..."

If you listen to the song, you'll realize Daya's point is that good boys will appreciate all the money and time it takes to be fly as a mother.

POW! As I heard those lyrics, I found the answer to a question I've pondered over my entire dating career.

WHY DOES SOCIETY DICTATE THAT GUYS HAVE TO PLAN/PAY FOR DATES?

Thanks to Daya, the answer is obvious.

Girls spend lots of money going out and shopping for clothes and makeup and shoes.

Guys might drop some cash on deodorant and hair products. Maybe.

Girls spend lots of time primping and preening and making sure they look their very best.

Guys might not even change their shirt before a date. When it comes to planning dates, their attempts are often laughable.

Let's use my last date as a case in point. My very pretty date met me at her door. "So what are we doing tonight?" she asked.

I shrugged. "I don't know. I figured we'd wing it."

Summary

1.) Girls spend money on make-up, clothing, and shoes. (And I appreciate this!)
2.) Guys spend money on meals and activities.
3.) Girls spend their time sprucing up for their date. (And I appreciate this!)
4.) Guys spend their time 'planning' the date.

I have participated in conversations where dudes complain about the injustice our society has imposed on us. "We always have to pay for every date!" we grumble. "What's up with that?"

Well, now I know why. And so should every guy.

So girls, share this if you think the men in your life should be thanking you for the effort you make! And guys, share this if you'll stand with me and stop complaining about paying for dates!

And Daya, thank you for helping me see where I can improve at becoming a 'good boy.' :)

What I Think About Gun Control

This past Tuesday, I wrote a post inviting my readers to convince me to the validity of their viewpoints about gun control. Here was the top comment, written by CougarMan.

We need common-sense regulations. I support the Bill of Rights and it's vitally important that we never allow government to disarm its people. That said, we need a cooling-off period before a new gun can be acquired. Prospective gun owners should be subjected to a background check that includes a scan for certain mental-illness factors. And why not require firearms education? Any gun owner must be required to secure their guns. And, there should be legal penalties for any owner whose unsecured gun is used in a crime, or used by a child without proper training.

I thought CougarMan had come excellent points. Before I address them directly, I'm going to talk about my personal views on gun control.

Beliefs on gun control seem to fall somewhere in between two extremes. 

1.) Guns should be illegal. 

2.) Everyone should have guns. 

There have been two instances in my life when I have seen the consequences of both extremes. I will begin with the first extreme.

Guns should be Illegal

As most long-time readers know, I spent the two years immediately prior to the establishment of this blog serving a full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. 20 of those months were spent in Jamaica, a country which has strict anti-gun laws. Shoot, even water guns are illegal.

Despite this, many of my fellow missionaries told stories of men and women being gunned down right in front of them. Shoot, I saw a shootout erupt some fifty yards ahead of me. People were terrified. They ran screaming, covering their heads and diving for cover. My companion and I ran for cover ourselves.

In Jamaica, I saw that gun laws didn't work. Criminals found ways to smuggle guns into the country, and now the common citizen was less prepared to defend themselves. Shoot, the anti-gun laws put innocent, law-abiding people at a disadvantage.

Everyone should have Guns

You may laugh at this example, but it's stuck with me. I will now relate an experience I had while playing a version of the hit video game series Fallout.

Modern versions of Fallout are real time first-person video games set in a post-apocalyptic future where the bombs dropped, the world mutated, and everyone turned to extreme measures to stay alive. Some of those extreme measures included packing heat. At all times.

When I first started playing Fallout, I decided I wanted to be a bad guy. When I strolled into my first town, I decided to cement my reputation as a hard-boiled ruffian by gunning down the sheriff. In broad daylight. In front of about twenty witnesses. Aw, yeah, I thought to myself. Now everyone will fear me!

Every single witness drew their weapons.

"Uh," I said. "Wait, hold on."

I died in about two seconds, the full brunt of the town's artillery riddling me to oblivion.

I respawned and decided to play a much nicer character. A saint, even.

Picking Between the Two Extremes

Based on my experiences, I think that, if everyone packed heat, inherently violent people would be deterred from using them. After all, one misfire, and the whole world explodes around them.

But is that the best way?

Shoot, you know I don't believe in extremism. So let's summarize what I do believe.

First, I believe in the 2nd Amendment. What's more, it's a law. I think everyone should have the right to defend themselves in whatever capacity they feel fit, and nobody should try to take that right away from them.

Of course, as we know from recent shootings, most shooters expect to die at the end of their rampage. Shoot, they long for that release. They don't care if a bunch of gun-toting cops take them down, they want to make a statement.

Even in a world like my video game, I still killed the sheriff. I may not have killed the deputy, but an innocent man (well, an innocent collection of semi-intelligent pixels) died. Everyone may have had guns in that trigger-happy town, but they were too late to stop me from murdering someone.

So not everyone should be allowed to have guns. That's why certain regulations do need to exist. I don't currently own any guns, but I shouldn't be allowed to just walk into a store, buy some boom sticks, and walk out. No, I should be tested to see if I've had proper gun handling training. I should be tested for any psychological deficiencies. What's more, you should have to take one of those tests every time you renew your gun license. That way, crazies like me don't walk into random towns and kill the sheriff!

... I mean, crazies like my video game character. Not me. Obviously. Ha ha.

What About the Comments?

CougarMan also mentioned cool-down periods and legal action against anyone who demonstrates extreme negligence regarding gun safety. I think those are great ideas. If you wanna buy a new gun, you have to wait three weeks before you pick it up. That way, if you wanted to buy a gun to lash out at somebody, you've probably had time to work things out in the meantime. Also, if your kid kills himself because you left your gun on the sofa, you should definitely face legal action. Thanks, CougarMan!

In Summary

The right to bear arms is really the right to defend oneself, and everyone should have that right. However, if someone does not prove themselves capable of gun ownership, including through gun handling and safety training and psychological testing, then they should not be given guns.

If someone tries to take my right to defend myself away from me, then I will not be able to support that person.

Well, that's it! I'll see you guys tomorrow for the Snapshot, and then on Monday for more good stuff!

The Top 10 ASL Signs Every Hearing Person Should Know

As long time Change and Cherish Blog readers know, I have been taking classes to learn American Sign Language, or ASL for short.

Recently, I have been stymied by how many people don't know even basic ASL, especially when I'm trying to communicate to someone in a quick and efficient manner. So, I created this post to teach everyone basic signs so that you, too, can communicate like the best of communicators.

1. Basic Pronouns (You, I, Them)

How to Perform these Signs: If you want to get someone's attention, just point at them. If you want to refer to yourself, point to yourself. If you want to discuss a third party, thrust your palm in their direction.

Relevance Example: If you want to talk about a third party but you don't want them to know, flash the 'them' sign and then use vague verbal pronouns. Hopefully, the object of your conversation didn't read this post.

2. Yes & No

How to Perform these Signs: If you want to say 'yes' to something, just raise your fist like you're about to pound it. Then move it up and down like it's a nodding head. If you want to say 'no' to something, raise your thumb, index, and middle fingers in the air, then bring them all together.

Relevance Example: Let's say your classmate or coworker yells a question across a crowded area. Your teacher or supervisor hears this and immediately chastises the offending coworker. You don't want to be as disruptive as your coworker, but you can still respond to their question with a simple hand sign. Well, so long as it was a yes or no question, I suppose.

3. Sorry & Please

How to Perform these Signs: The sign for 'sorry' is a closed fist rubbed clockwise against your chest. The sign for 'please' is an open palm rubbed clockwise against your chest,

Relevance Example: I'm amazed the middle finger is the only hand sign people use while driving. Sometimes, I make a mistake on the road, and I want to tell people I'm sorry. When that happens, I wish people knew why I've taken to frantically rubbing my fist against my chest.

4. Thank You

How to Perform this Sign: Make an open hand, with your palm exposed. Press your fingertips to your chin, and then bring your whole hand forward.

Relevance Example: When I'm out walking along a crosswalk, and a driver stops their car just before it creams me into the ground, I flash the 'thank you' sign. I'm sure the sign looks vaguely confrontational, but I'm really thanking the driver for sparing my life! I swear!

5. Wait

How to Perform this Sign: Hold your hands out in front of you, your palms facing your face. Keep your elbows close to your chest, and waggle those fingers.

Relevance Example: You're hanging out with your significant other when you run into an old friend. Your old friend's a talker, and launches into a long story about his financial situation. After a while, your significant other tugs on your shirt sleeve, signalling they want to leave. You flash your significant other the 'wait' sign. Your friend's almost done, after all.

6. What

How to Perform this Sign: Hold your hands out in front of you, palms facing upward. Shake them back and forth.

Relevance Example: Let's say someone is trying to tell you something at a noisy dinner table. Unfortunately, you didn't hear what they said, and your mouth is stuffed with the most delicious pie. Rather than be rude and talk with your mouth full, you pass them the 'what' sign so they know to repeat themselves.

7. How

How to Perform this Sign: Hold your fists in front of you, your thumb slightly extended. Twist your dominant hand forward.

Relevance Example: If you combine the 'you' sign with this sign, you get the phrase, "How You?" This is also known as "How are you?" in English. Now you can ask people obligatory generic questions designed to perpetuate meaningless small talk without ever opening your mouth!

8. Why

How to Perform this Sign: Hold your palm next to your head. Lower your middle finger and move it up and down.

Relevance Example: You're at a party when you spot your best friend talking to your crush. Your best friend grins at you and beckons you to come over. You just know your best friend is about to do something to embarrass you, but you decide to give them the benefit of the doubt. Instead of outright refusing to come over, you display the 'why' sign. This way, your friend knows you're suspicious of their intentions and that you want an explanation before you leave your spot.

9. Toilet

How to Perform this Sign: Slide your thumb in between your index and middle fingers. Wave back and forth.

Relevance Example: If you need to use the loo, and you want to announce this fact without, you know, announcing it, just flash this sign as you abandon conversations, friends, and business transactions.

10. Understand

How to Perform this Sign: Make a fist next to your head. Raise your index finger repeatedly.

Relevance Example: As you run to the restroom, you notice your best friend and your crush look confused. You already flashed the 'toilet' sign, so you slow down and flash the 'understand' sign. Your friends still look confused, so you realize they have no idea what you're doing with your hands. As you sit on the toilet, text them the link to this post so they, too, can make everyone else in the world educated. Or confused. Whichever comes first. 

A Cop Pulled Me Over!?!

Helaman 9:34 - "And then shall ye say: Because of this fear and this paleness which has come upon your face, behold, we know that thou art guilty."

My friends and I were driving to Vegas for the weekend.

"Man, you're going pretty fast," one of my friends said.

I scoffed. "I could go faster. Besides, we're making great time!"

"Aren't you worried about cops?"

I shook my head. "Naw, I'll be fine. Speeding laws are just to protect other drivers, and there's no one else on the road!"

Turns out, going sixteen over is not justified by empty roads.

Yeah, the ticket is a serious financial blow for me right now, but it wasn't all bad. The officer was very respectful and even kind, building my faith in local law enforcement. My friends thought it was hilarious, and the experience gave us much to laugh about. I learned I shouldn't push my luck by speeding, and I even got a blog post out of it.

Yeah, sometimes bad things happen to me. However, when I look at things from the right angle with the right attitude, I turn annoyances and inconveniences into beauty in my eye.

I know anyone can do the same.

MockingJay & Ram Trucks Crossover Commercial: A Positive Review

I discovered this commercial yesterday. It was published on October 31. Here it is for reference.

I'm going to describe my reaction to watching this video, shot by shot. I am not the first to express an opinion about this commercial, but I may be the most extensive.

Line: "There's a place-"

My thoughts: Oh boy! I love watching a commercial for a new movie using old footage! This is already the greatest!

Line: "-where hard work is king. Where people punch in early, and leave late."

My thoughts: My excitement for the Hunger Games was apparently entirely unwarranted, as now, we're watching a car commercial! I guess there was a broadcast error! Either way, look at how impossibly immaculate that truck is! I hope that comes with a guarantee!

Line: "So is it any surprise that when a true hero is born-"

My thoughts: Wow, I understand now! Some beautiful mind must have thought it was a great idea to marry a car commercial to a movie trailer! This is probably the best thing I have ever seen in my entire life!

Line: "-that they come from a place like this. Ram salutes the-"

My thoughts: See, I really don't think this writing is stretching anything at all. District 12 mines coal, and you're comparing coal miners to the District 12 protagonists. Even though Katniss never stepped in a coal mine, I am behind this comparison 100%! It even reminds me of those Values.com motivational billboards. 

It makes a whole heap of sense to compare Nelson Mandela to a plush toy! After all, even though Nelson Mandela pulled an entire nation out of bigotry and ignorance, I am far more inspired by Kermit's success story, especially since that involves eating flies and dating a pig. It's only logical to say Katniss and Gale are from the same place as these coal-mining men, even if the former's entire civilization is only the byproduct of an author's imagination! I can't imagine that ever being insulting to real coal workers!

Line: "-heroes of the Hunger Games-"

My thoughts: I am totally OK with you all saluting these fictional warriors in a fictional war in a fictional country. I am totally behind your decision to not salute actual heroes in your car commercial. *SPOILER ALERT* And even though Gale is actually a huge jerkwad, I think focusing your shots on him and repeatedly emphasizing how heroic and awesome he is is a great idea. *END SPOILER*

Line: "-and all those who clock in daily."

My thoughts: Wow! And here I was thinking the point was to compare fictional coal miners with real coal miners! Now you're including anyone who punches in and punches out? I wouldn't have thought you were really thinking of white-collar workers with that line, but you sure did! Not only that, you made the right call to exclude a huge occupational demographic with that line! After all, as far as I'm aware, most of our armed forces don't work on the clock.

Line: "Watch the finale of the Hunger Games: MockingJay Part 2 November 20."

My thoughts: Why did they even have two and a half new seconds of new footage? The old stuff was just fine.

Following my viewing of this commercial, I could only imagine what sort of geniuses had come together to produce this breathtaking matrimony of modern cinematic and automotive advertising.

HUNGER GAMES EXECUTIVE: So, we don't really want to pay for a full TV spot.

RAM EXECUTIVE: You know what? We don't want to either.

HG EXEC: Wanna go halfsies?

RAM EXEC: Eh, why not?

If only I could have basked in their brilliance at that very moment. Ah, what bliss it might have been.

Oh, was I being sarcastic? Yeah, pretty much since I wrote the word 'review.' See you tomorrow.