A Note on the Dating Habits of Feminists - Thursday Thought #3

This post is very much a sister post to the last Thursday Thought.

I consider myself a supporter of pure feminism, which I define as a movement seeking equality for women.* It appalls me when women are objectified by the media, by society, and by people I know. Women deserve to have every right a man does. Many people are depressingly ignorant of the physical, social, and mental issues associated with the abuse of women. I have met and heard of men who are irredeemable because of the way they treat the opposite sex. For example, I am incredibly angered by the actions of Mike Faverman, which recently went viral (note: Faverman's texts contain some graphic descriptions).

Now, I'm not going to say I'm a feminist, nor am I going to say I'm perfect at standing up for every feminist issue. I profess to and apologize for my ignorance regarding many of these issues. At the same time, I've noticed a few unpleasant trends in my dating life that are connected to self-proclaimed feminists, and I wanted to address them.

For starters, if you are a feminist, please don't disrespect my attempts to be chivalrous. Yes, chivalry is not dead. Yes, some men are jerks, but I don't hold your door open so I can look at your butt. I don't try to buy my way to kisses with dinner. I hold your door open because I'm showing you respect. I buy you dinner because I enjoy your company and doubt my own company would be worth it otherwise.

And you know what? I'm not going to stop doing those things. But if you are a feminist, don't take advantage of me. If you truly believe in equality between men and women, don't just keep accepting dates because you like getting free meals. I may enjoy your company, but don't waste your time if you don't enjoy mine. And if you do enjoy my company, then at least offer to buy a meal sometime, or even hold the door open. I probably won't let you, but at least I'll know you're not just enjoying the feeling of being served by a member of the opposition, aka men.

And if you're a feminist, don't play hard to get. Don't play coy and play games with people's minds. Don't put yourself on a pedestal. Don't make yourself a prize to be won. All you're really doing is objectifying yourself. You turn yourself into an object to lust after. You make yourself unreachable, and therefore less personable. Your refusal to communicate your true feelings masks your true character and persona, making it impossible for your value as a three-dimensional person to come to light. You are more than a shiny trophy. Don't be one.

And finally, it can be annoying to see men act like pigs. It can be annoying to watch them ogle and pine over statuesque celebrities. But if you are a feminist, don't ogle and pine over shirtless boy bands and actors. Otherwise, you engage in the same objectifying act. Don't create another double standard. The search for equality across gender, race, and creed should never compromise on any double standards.

This post may not be popular. I apologize for any offense, for none is intended. And I am definitely not saying all women, or even all feminists, act in the ways I described. That would be generalizing.

And I hate all generalizations.**

*I do not support extreme feminism, which I define as the aggrandization of women over men.

**I see the irony here.

Why I Believe No Woman Is Worth Fighting For - Thursday Thought #2

When it comes to dating and relationships, I am a firm believer in equality.

I don't want to be in control, nor do I want to be without say. I want to be in a partnership, equally yolked. I want to make big decisions only after conferring with my significant other. I want us both to feel confident in our decisions and push forward with a full understanding that we will support each other no matter what.

It's likely impossible to form this sort of bond prior to entering a relationship. As it is, society dictates that someone has to initiate romantic contact before any partnership can be formed. In our society, it is the man who acts as the initiator, usually by asking a lady on a date.

When a guy asks a girl on a date, he is generally putting himself into a vulnerable position. If the guy is truly interested in the girl, then he has, in a way, already committed to at least seeing where things might go.

I'm OK with that. The thing is, as time goes on, and I ask a girl on more and more dates, there comes a point when she gains control.

She may express interest, but seems hesitant about fully committing. She may be slow to finalize plans. She may be dating several other guys. She may seem eager to socialize in person, but distant when away.

I'm OK with that. But the longer that goes on, the less I want to keep up the pursuit.

If I were to actually enter into a relationship with that sort of person, then I'm signalling that while it was an easy choice for me, it was a difficult, even trying, choice for her. Already the partnership I'm gunning for is undermined, because it puts her on a pedestal where she has the final say in where our relationship goes and what it decides.

When I'm looking for a relationship, I'm looking for someone who's just as willing to take a chance on me as I am on them.

If the Main Problem in America is Neither Racism or Sexism ... What is?

While I was at the last poetry slam (which you can read about here), one of the slam poets went up made an interesting statement. Forgive my need to paraphrase, but he said something along the lines of, "The main problem in America is neither racism or sexism."

I figured Barney Stinson and Archie Bunker are possible archetypes of sexism and racism, respectively. 

My friends and I waited for this slam poet to give us an answer. He never did. He never told us what he believed to be the actual main problem with America.

So I thought about it. What could be the main problem with America?

Many people I know would argue that sexism is the greatest problem in America. Look at the wage gap between genders. Look at the objectification of women in modern media. Look at the way women are often considered second-class citizens in workplaces. Look at domestic violence.

But then again, why couldn't racism be the greatest problem? Look at police brutality. Look at the wage gap between white people and minorities. Look at the #OscarsAllWhite controversy. Look at many of our presidential candidates and their discussions on racial topics.

But, ok. I'll accept, at least for now, the slam poet's rhetoric. What other options do we have?

We have people attacking Freedom of Religion, so concerned that someone may state or have a theological belief contrary to their own that they want to tear down every chance anyone has to express that belief, including interfering with ceremonies sacred and precious to the members of specific religion. Phrases once considered innocuous are becoming taboo, including the phrase 'Bless You'  after you sneeze.

We also have poverty, where impoverished people grow ever more resentful of the government for not giving them money and the rich for also not giving them money. The rich grow resentful at the government for wanting their money and the poor for also wanting their money.

What about other problems? What about riots and abuse and fighting in the streets? How about immigration, with people wanting to close the borders more and more? What about presidential candidates resorting to childish threats and insults? What about the rancor between political parties? What about when we feel impatience and lash out at our closest friends and loved ones? What happens when everyone does that?

So, no. I agree with our slam poet. Sexism and racism are not the biggest problems in America. They are merely symptoms of a disease called BIGOTRY, which is also a symptom in and of itself, a symptom of HATRED, which fuels and feeds every major problem in America. HATRED, a seething entity seeking only to destroy the lives of everything in its wake, especially America right here, right now.

So that's my say. See you tomorrow.

Do You Know the Bechdel Test?

Take your favorite movie, TV show, book, anything fictional, it doesn't matter. Now ask these questions.

1.) Does your favorite work of fiction have two women in it,

2.) who talk to each other,

3.) about something other than men?

'Men' could mean husbands, brothers, sons, other family members, co-workers, love interests.

Did you answer 'yes' to all the above questions? If you couldn't, then your favorite work of fiction fails the Bechdel test.

The author of this comic admits she was actually referring to the Bechdel test.

The Bechdel test was originally conceived back in 1985 by Alison Bechdel and Liz Wallace. The point of the test was to assist entertainment-seekers in determining if the women in their chosen media are strong characters in their own right.

Everyone knows I'm not much of a cinephile, but I've watched six movies that were released sometime in the past year. Here are the results on each of these. (NO SPOILERS AHEAD)

Avengers: Age of Ultron - Barely passed. The only time two women spoke and didn't talk about a man was when Black Widow and Hawkeye's wife talked about the latter's unborn baby.

Tomorrowland - Passed. Casey and Athena have multiple conversations about Tomorrowland and Athena's status.

Inside Out - Passed. Joy and Sadness talk about Riley more than anything else.

Jurassic World - Failed. Claire talks to the boys' mother about the boys, and she talks to her assistant about the boys.

Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 - Passed. Katniss speaks with several female characters about the war and about her feelings regarding the future.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens - Barely passed. Rey and Maz talk about Rey's future, and Rey and Leia have a short, similar conversation as well.

To be honest, I actually expected more of these films to fail. However, the Bechdel test doesn't just serve to demonstrate the strength of female characters, it also raises the question about how women are portrayed in film in general.

Inside Out and Tomorrowland are the two strongest examples of female characters acting independently from their relationships with male characters. Mockingjay comes in at a close third. But then we have Star Wars, which some people contend didn't pass the test, and then Avengers, which barely squeaked by at all.

For me, the most important thing about the Bechdel test is that it reveals issues with our modern society. For all our talk about equality, why is it so hard to find films that not only pass the Bechdel test, but also encompass it?

I hope you were enlightened by this nifty little trick. I first learned about the Bechdel Test from TVTropes.org (my favorite website), though you can find more information on Wikipedia.

Useful Notes / The Bechdel Test (TV Tropes)
Bechdel Test (Wikipedia)

V-Day Week 2016: Misunderstandings Between Guys and Girls Have One Solution

This last Tuesday, I released a post entitled "V-Day Week 2016: What Girls Want Guys to Know (and Vice Versa) - Thinkjoust Tuesday #35." I asked you all to give me some feedback, and then I'd report today.

I found an interesting common theme in all of your comments.

Girls About Guys

This is a text message from my sister. I forwarded it to my email and took a screenshot.

Guys About Girls

I could easily address all of these concerns with many solutions. Instead, the solution can be found in only one word. I'll make it three so it will stick in your head better.

COMMUNICATE, DANG IT

That's right! All your confusion can be solved with ... COMMUNICATION!

Guys! 

Do you feel like you don't understand what a girl's thinking? Ask her about it! Communicate!

What if your girl's mad at you for something you don't understand? Say sorry to her! Act the big man and communicate!

What if you're worried the girl you're taking on a date won't like what you choose to do? Make several plans, and give her options! Communicate!

Girls!

If you like a guy, just tell him straight up! If you don't like a guy, just tell him straight up! Communicate!

Communicate, dang it!

I honestly believe open communication would resolve much of the 'drama' that occurs in the dating scene.

The thing is, nobody wants to communicate because everyone's worried about getting their feelings hurt. So we keep secrets and hide and act coy and then everyone gets confused. But dating is kind of like American football. When you play the game, there's a high chance you might get hurt.

There's no avoiding it.

So why are we cringing?

V-Day Week 2016: The Top 10 Pieces of Dating Advice I Hate

In honor of the week leading up to Valentine's Day, I have prepared a series of posts all about love and romance!

I've been single for close to four years now. Many people treat my situation like a disease, and they offer free advice about how I can rid myself of this irksome ailment. The promised 'cure' comes in the form of cliche phrases.

I dislike these 'cure-alls' enough that I wrote an exaggerated blog post about them! Let's take a look!

Note: I wrote these from my own perspective. Re-imagine them with you in mind!

"It's a numbers game."

Let me tell you something. In the six months after I came back home from my mission, I went on one hundred first dates. One. Hundred. That does not count second or third or even fifth dates. That does not count the 13 months I spent dating since then. In comparison, some of my male friends go on ten, maybe fifteen dates at the most in between relationships. TELL ME IT'S A NUMBERS GAME ONE MORE TIME.

"It's their loss."

Maybe it's my loss. Just stop and think about that for a second.

"Honesty is the best policy."

Sure thing! Next time I go on a blind date, and she asks me what my interests are, I'll tell her all about Dungeons and Dragons. Oh, does she also know I watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic? And let's be honest, if she's willing to accept me even then, just wait until she finds out I'm a blogger.

"Find people with similar interests."

Sure thing! I'll just join the Novel-Writing Blog-Posting Poetry-Penning Drum-Beating Uke-Strumming Ballad-Singing Poor-Acting Cartoon-Drawing Webcomic-Reading TV-Watching Video-Gaming Musical-Listening Fan Club just down the street! I love the NWBPPPDBUSBSPACDWRTVWVGMLFC SO MUCH.

"Opposites attract."

But ... you literally just told me to find people with similar interests. Like, literally SIX SENTENCES AGO. And what, pray tell, is my opposite? Is it someone shorter than me? Taller than me? Cooler than me? More muscular than me? More attractive than me? Someone with interests dissimilar to my own? What, exactly, is the interest opposite novel writing? I'm waiting!

"Go after what you want."

Well, now I don't know what I want! Do I want my exact opposite? Do I want someone with similar interests? Do I want someone who's honest with me, or someone who goes to the grave hiding their secrets? And maybe I'm less interested in what I want, and more interested in what I need. Ever think of that?

"There are plenty of fish in the sea."

You're absolutely right! But a majority of those fish aren't anywhere near me, and most of the rest aren't interested in my bait! Let's imagine a proper fisherman spending three hours leading his hooked catch toward the boat before his line snaps and the fish gets away. If you try to tell that fisherman there are plenty of fish in the sea, he will kill you. The fisherman doesn't care about what he might catch, he only cares about losing the catch he already had.

"You'll find her when you stop looking."

That doesn't make a dang lick of sense. Isn't the guy supposed to be the one initiating things? If I stop looking, I will literally stop going on dates.

"Being single is better anyway ..." (from a single person)

Oh, really. Then why were you whining about your recent break-up only last week. 

"Being single is better anyway ..." (from someone in a relationship) 

Break-up, then! What the heck are you waiting for?

And, my favorite bit of dating advice to hate ...

"If she wants you to kiss her, make her wait another week, and then kiss her."

For starters, how the heck am I supposed to know if she wants me to kiss her? And honestly, what does making her wait a week accomplish? Is it so her 'desire' for me will increase because I'm keeping her from what she wants? Well, let me tell you, I want a girl to come back to me for who I am, not for what I can offer.

Well, there you go! I hope you enjoyed chuckling with this post as much as I enjoyed writing it! I'll see you as we approach Valentine's Day!

Why Nobody Wants a Female Superhero Movie - The Chris Evans Effect

I took a look at the Wikipedia article listing American superhero movies. Here's the link if you want to investigate yourself. From this article, I created a list of superhero movies with women in the lead or titular role. A movie was disqualified if ...

... it was animated. 

... the female superhero was part of an ensemble cast.

... the female superhero had a secondary or minor role.

Of the roughly 194 live-action superhero movies listed, these were all that I could find that matched my criteria.

Supergirl - 1984

Tank Girl - 1995

Black Scorpion - 1995

Barb Wire - 1996

Black Scorpion II: Aftershock - 1997

Catwoman - 2004

Elektra - 2005

My Super Ex-Girlfriend - 2006

Wonder Woman - 2017

Captain Marvel - 2019

Since 1930, only 8 female superhero movies have been made, and none in the last decade. What gives?

Well, I have an answer. Let's take a look at some of the poster art for the above movies.

Black Scorpion II: Aftershock

Barb Wire

Elektra

I'll give you a hint. These are not movies marketed toward women. Look at how provocative our titular characters are dressed. These are movies marketed toward men.

Want further proof? Let's take a look at a promotion featuring the current most prominent woman superhero, Black Widow, as played by Scarlett Johansson.

Notice how her butt is prominently turned toward the camera. The marketers don't care about Black Widow being a strong, independent woman. "Hey, guys!" the marketers say. "Come watch this movie! Not only is it a testosterone-filled romp, it also has this hot woman in it! Here's her butt for proof!"

And then let's talk about Black Widow's status as a strong independent woman. The filmmakers seem determined to chip away that persona. Black Widow's personal character arc in Avengers involved ...

... acting vulnerable and insecure to get what she wants.
... worrying about her friend Hawkeye.
... quailing before the Hulk and feeling obviously shaken by it.

None of the male Avengers ever felt a need to act vulnerable. None of the male Avengers spent screen time bemoaning the loss of a comrade. None of the male Avengers were given a scene running in abject terror from the Hulk.

"But blogger!" you may say to me. "Black Widow's vulnerability was all a tactical ploy! She was the only one connected to Hawkeye! Anyone would run from the Hulk!"

Those are fair statements. Maybe anyone would have run away from the Hulk, but they chose to put Black Widow into that situation. They chose to portray her as vulnerable. They could have easily scripted the scene to have Captain America run from Hulk, but they chose the woman. None of the male Avengers seemed particularly shaken up about the death of Coulson, except they recognized his death as a wake-up call. And let's imagine, in an alternate universe, the character of Black Widow was male. The writers would have come up with a more creative way for the character to obtain valuable information. Let's see them stick Thor in the below situation.

Yeah, she may have gotten the information she needed from these goons and then kicked their butts, but why did the movie have to show her in this position in the first place?

The movie undermined Black Widow's strong, independent nature.

The second Avengers movie did little to help. They turned Black Widow into a flirt. Of all the characters to be captured by Ultron, Black Widow drew the short straw. She found herself in a classic 'rescue the princess' situation, and nobody batted an eye. Why? Because that's the role women play in these sorts of movies.

"Ok, fine," you say to me. "I understand where you're coming from, but you still haven't explained why there aren't more movies with female superheroes."

Well, after that build-up, I'll tell you. I call it the Chris Evans effect.

When I watch a superhero movie with someone like Chris Evans in it, I am able to project myself onto Captain America. I am able to imagine doing the things he does. When the movie is over, I feel empowered, liberated.

Despite this, I suspect more women have seen the Captain American movies than have men. I have female friends who own Captain America action figures, have Captain America posters, react excitedly whenever they hear mention of Cap or Chris. When I mentioned that Chris Evans was coming to the latest Salt Lake Comic Con, many of my female friends looked up the price of tickets. Based on this sort of reaction to Chris Evans, I have a theory.

When a woman watches a superhero movie with someone like Chris Evans in it, they are able to imagine themselves being with Chris. They latch onto his positive traits and qualities. When the movie is over, they feel safe and protected.

The men appreciate the Captain America movies because they want to be him. The women appreciate the Captain America movies because they want to be with him.

Now, let's imagine what happens with superhero movies starring women. Shoot, let's say we live in an alternate universe where Black Widow actually starred in a movie.

When a woman watches a Scarlett Johansson superhero movie, they are able to project themselves onto Black Widow. They imagine doing the things she does. When the movie is over, the women in the audience feel empowered, liberated. 

If men want to be Chris Evans, the women want to be Black Widow. The gender roles are reversed in this scenario. ScarJo is a very beautiful woman. The men should want to be with Black Widow, right?

Let's say I watch this hypothetical Black Widow movie and watch her beat up a bunch of mooks, outsmart the main villain, and save the day. I see she is stronger, quicker, smarter, and more competent than me.

I'm a man. Of course I don't want to be with Black Widow.

Men are used to being the protectors, the leaders, the breadwinners. Men don't want to seriously imagine being with a woman like Black Widow because they would feel inferior. They would feel like they're not doing their job, fulfilling their role in the relationship.

So when a superhero movie with a male lead is produced, everyone watches it. But when a superhero movie with a female lead is produced, only the women want to watch it. The producers know this. That's why Black Widow is consistently shown as the weakest Avenger. That's why she's put into compromising situations. If she was portrayed as more competent than one of the male characters, they would alienate their male audiences.

The Chris Evans effect in a nutshell.

Remember my list of female superhero movies? Marvel and DC have one planned each. If men don't want to watch these movies, the studios will lose half of the audience. I bet Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel will be among the lowest grossing superhero movies of the 21st century. If I'm correct, I'm blaming the Chris Evans effect.

Not that Chris does anything wrong; he's just good at being himself and being awesome at it.

Daya & HIDE AWAY: Why Guys Should Stop Complaining About Paying for Dates

Every time I have started driving in the past two weeks, I have heard Adele's Hello.

This is not a hyperbole.

LITERALLY, WHENEVER I get into my CAR, my RADIO asks HOW I AM, WHERE I'VE BEEN, and IF I MADE IT OUT OF TOWN.

This is notable because I don't do a lot of driving. I commute back and forth to work, I buy groceries, and I might even visit a friend. I'm in the car anywhere from three to nine minutes, tops.

I may turn on the radio during the back end of Hello. I may catch the middle of Hello. More often, Hello starts the second I turn the key.

I AM SICK OF HELLO.

But I'm not here to talk about Hello. I'm here to talk about Daya's Hide Away.

I like the musicality of Hide Away, even if I don't like the question the lyrics pose. Good boys go to hide away in Provo, obviously. I mean, look at me! I'm right here!

I recently heard Hide Away on the radio, right after I ground my teeth through another rendition of Adele's Hello. I was already familiar with Hide Away, but this time, I noticed something in the lyrics I never had before. The important lyrics come right before the first bridge and chorus.

"... Girls seem to like the boys who don't appreciate
all the money and time that it takes
to be fly as a mother ..."

If you listen to the song, you'll realize Daya's point is that good boys will appreciate all the money and time it takes to be fly as a mother.

POW! As I heard those lyrics, I found the answer to a question I've pondered over my entire dating career.

WHY DOES SOCIETY DICTATE THAT GUYS HAVE TO PLAN/PAY FOR DATES?

Thanks to Daya, the answer is obvious.

Girls spend lots of money going out and shopping for clothes and makeup and shoes.

Guys might drop some cash on deodorant and hair products. Maybe.

Girls spend lots of time primping and preening and making sure they look their very best.

Guys might not even change their shirt before a date. When it comes to planning dates, their attempts are often laughable.

Let's use my last date as a case in point. My very pretty date met me at her door. "So what are we doing tonight?" she asked.

I shrugged. "I don't know. I figured we'd wing it."

Summary

1.) Girls spend money on make-up, clothing, and shoes. (And I appreciate this!)
2.) Guys spend money on meals and activities.
3.) Girls spend their time sprucing up for their date. (And I appreciate this!)
4.) Guys spend their time 'planning' the date.

I have participated in conversations where dudes complain about the injustice our society has imposed on us. "We always have to pay for every date!" we grumble. "What's up with that?"

Well, now I know why. And so should every guy.

So girls, share this if you think the men in your life should be thanking you for the effort you make! And guys, share this if you'll stand with me and stop complaining about paying for dates!

And Daya, thank you for helping me see where I can improve at becoming a 'good boy.' :)

Shine Your Light: Poetry Slam (2 Videos)

3 Nephi 12:16 - "Therefore let your light so shine before this people, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in heaven."

A few weeks ago, my friend and I went to a poetry slam hosted by a couple of our other friends. I'd never been to a poetry slam before, so I wasn't sure what to expect.

It was off the hook!

Man, I don't even know how to describe the event. For months, my friends had described slam poetry to me, and I'd usually respond with a, "Cool." I didn't really understand the levels of passion, heart, and dedication that goes into the writing and delivery of such a work of art. For an example, watch this video.

People went up there and got lyrically serious (seriously lyrical?) about topics that meant a lot to them. The poets made people laugh, they made people think, and they made people cry.

The half-time show was a Haiku competition, for which I'd come prepared. I started out with this self-composed winner in mind.

I had not time to

write a haiku. Now what am

I going to do?

The problem was, I was near the back of the line, and some guy near the front had a similar idea. I didn't want to upstage myself, so I quickly composed a new haiku in my head. This was my final delivery.

Sometimes, I just run

out of time to say what I

want to say. It's a

I didn't win, but I was on stage anyway!

And for me, that was the beauty of the event. People were able to get together and present original material without fear of judgment or scorn. I'm sure some people in the audience raised a brow at a few of the acts, but for the most part, you could feel how excited everyone was just to be there.

And the poets were inspiring. I came up with and wrote down about five different slam poem ideas throughout the event. I wanted to rush home and write my own rhythmed reasoning. Nearly everyone I talked with said they wanted to try their hand at performing during the next event. People went home buzzing with ideas, and it was because a few brave souls stood up and spoke out.

Whether they were prepared and slamming down some serious limericks, or sweating and composing a haiku on the spot, people shined their light as bright as they could, 

I think that's all God expects of us.