BOOM Saturday

A Time to Prepare, by Ian S. Ardern - "Time is never for sale; time is a commodity that cannot, try as you may, be bought at any store for any price. Yet when time is wisely used, its value is immeasurable. On any given day we are all allocated, without cost, the same number of minutes and hours to use, and we soon learn, as the familiar hymn so carefully teaches, “Time flies on wings of lightning; we cannot call it back” (“Improve the Shining Moments,” Hymns,no. 226). What time we have we must use wisely. President Brigham Young said, “We are all indebted to God for the ability to use time to advantage, and he will require of us a strict account of [its] disposition” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young [1997], 286)."

My old FHE group wanted to know if I could join them on Saturday for a short reunion.

"POSSIBLY," I typed. "Saturday is currently an eldritch maze of horrors."

And it was.

BOOM. D&D with my homies in the morning. Single-handedly take out a bunch of werewolves whilst riding upon my unicorn. Contemplate the utter geekiness of my hobbies and reassure myself my overactive imagination is not a sign of outright insanity.

BOOM. Volunteer to help out another RA with their program later in the day. Acknowledge that I'm totally going to be cutting it close in making it back from my other errands on time.

BOOM. Haircut time. Drive to a place and use my starving student card to get a sweet discount. Talk with the Hispanic lady cutting my hair about her husband for half an hour. They're doing really well!

BOOM. Time to pick up my suit. Drive to the tailor and inspect her work. Make her day by telling her she did a really awesome job and that I know exactly where I'm coming the next time I need my suit repaired. Remember that I haven't needed any repairs on my suit since I first bought it over three years ago. Refrain from telling the tailor as such.

BOOM. Come home earlier than expected. Find out the company I bought a sketchpad program from finally sent me my keys. Sketch out some concept art for my novel (if it reaches the web fiction format).

BOOM. Get totally distracted and show up to the program late. Realize my wardrobe was improper for the event and book it back to my room to change before booking it back over to my station way over on the side of campus I rarely go to. Get lost trying to find the right building.

BOOM: Realize I totally burned one of my other RAs, with whom I was supposed to help pick out costumes for our Thriller dance practice. Apologize profusely. Smack forehead several times.

BOOM: Blog furiously while freshmen come, find me at my station, and take my hints and secrets that lead them to the next step in their Amazing Race. Celebrate a job well done with donuts and pizza.

BOOM. Work on journal and novel. Resist urge to blow it off and play ultimate Frisbee. Get frustrated with novel because there isn't enough time to reach the goal I set for the day. Find a good stopping point and shrug it off.

BOOM. Fight my email service so I can help another RA with her Halloween costume. Finally print out her name tag. Color printers are the bomb!

BOOM. Head to the Helaman Halls dance. Eat half a pie all by myself. Everyone asks why I'm not wearing a costume, and I tell them I'm a Zygon. No one ever gets the joke. Join another RA in putting on his costume.

BOOM. Receive a call. Am I going to the FHE reunion? I forgot about that. Well, I have something at ten, and I ... It starts at nine? Fine. Let's go.

BOOM. Pick up friend and friend's friend and drive up to Orem. Reunite with FHE family while eating IHOP. Order an appetizer so I can quickly leave before everyone else. Appetizer is served along with everyone else's order, and I end up being the last one eating. Enjoy the company, but quickly bounce.

BOOM. Arrive half an hour late to our Thriller dance practice. Discover that we're starting an hour late because the dance at the Cannon Center stole our space.

BOOM. Read my scriptures until 11.

BOOM. The dance needs to be packed up. Assist in any way possible, putting up chairs, rolling out chairs, carrying ladders, and providing comic relief in the form of using said ladders as battering rams.

BOOM. Despite the fact that I wasn't present throughout the dance, and that I'm not wearing a 'proper' costume (a Zygon is a perfectly reasonable costume, thank you very much), am invited to join in a massive RA picture.

BOOM. Thriller dance practice. Find I'm not doing as bad a job as I thought I might have been. We all get kicked out at midnight.

BOOM. Read comics for a while before finally crashing into bed. The end.

I'm not sure how many of you wanted a play-by-play of my Saturday, but I hope the quotation explains it all (and I hope you read it, too). I found great joy in yesterday, and I'm sure you see why.

So, how was your day?

There's Always A Reason

1 Nephi 4:6 - "And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do."

My best bro was going on a date tonight, and, as part of the fun, decided to take her to his ward's bonfire after they saw a movie in the theatre. He wanted me to try and double with him, but after that didn't work out, he suggested I just join them for the bonfire.

I wasn't sure exactly why he wanted me to become a third wheel during his date, but because he's my bro, I knew he had noble reasons, though I assumed my primary role was to use my natural charm and goofiness to diffuse any potential tension or awkwardity (awkwardness? awkwardology?) that may have risen between them between the movie and picking me up. Thankfully for them, after they picked me up and drove me up to the canyon, they were still hitting it off fine, so the role I had envisioned for myself proved useless.

So there I was, sitting up in the mountains with a group of people I didn't know talking about things I didn't care about with faces I couldn't really see in the darkness. My first inclination was to conclude that my time would have been far better spent back at the dorms, where an exam and creative projects waited.

No! I thought. I have my smart phone! I pulled up QuickOffice and began to type up a new chapter of my novel. The mood and atmosphere of the campsite aided my description of one of my characters' paganistic religions, making the final product that much more real for me. When my fingers froze to the point of minimal usage, I decided to silently slip away from the group into the darkness, rubbing my digits in my armpits, to give myself some time to think.

The sky was clear, and the stars were out, giving me a clear view of the cosmos stretching above me. As I craned my neck upward, I felt so compelled to offer up a prayer, and so did, speaking with my Father for some time before silently drawing back to the edge of the fire. None had noticed my absence.

As we three piled back into the car, I pointed out that I'd accomplished my primary purpose--being there for my bro--as well as a secondary and tertiary purpose I hadn't been aware of before making the journey. The conclusion I made is that, no matter where we are, no matter where I'm going, the Lord knows where he needs us. When I'm in a situation I'm not super thrilled about, I need to make an effort to try and see the hidden reasons why I'm there. And when I do that, then my life will be that much more full.

Getting Things Together: Locked In

"Doesn't it seem foolish to spoil sweet and joyful experiences because we are constantly anticipating the moment when they will end?" - Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Of Regrets and Resolutions

Yesterday, I was determined to catch up on the mountain-load of work I've struggled to keep from overwhelming me. With the one exception to my prior roleplaying commitment, I vowed to reject all invitations for social events or fun for the entire day.

After my commitment, I staggered back to my room with the intention to work all day so I could sleep easy on Sunday night before classes started up again. It was raining, and wouldn't you know that rain just makes me the coziest person in the world, so rather than tackle the mountain, I collapsed on my couch and disappeared to the world.

Of course, disappearing wasn't all that easy. Three different residents came banging on my door because they locked themselves out of their rooms, interrupting my much-needed nap. Finally, when I woke for reals, it was about 5:00pm, and the mountain still loomed.

Homework, journal, blog, novel, chores, readings, all fell before me, yet, despite my best efforts, by the time midnight rolled around, my climb had barely taken me above sea level. However, despite all this, things really weren't that bad. I mean, when you compare the picture in this post to how my room looked yesterday, well, things look a whole lot better.

And I think that's the thing. In small ways, given my overloaded truck-bed of tasks, I keep forgetting to enjoy the journey, focusing more on finishing and completing the individual steps simply so I can 'catch up.' The thing is, I'll never catch up. My to-do list always has something else to add. My responsibilities, whether from church or work or family or hobbies, will always need attention. But that doesn't mean that my day wasn't full of victories, tiny though they may have been. Even though my goals weren't completed, the day was not a waste. It's easy to view life as a win-or-lose all scenario, but honestly? It's not.

So, my challenge for you today is to count your victories! Let them shine in your memory! And be sure to comment below!

Don't Forget to Study: What I did on Saturday

2 Nephi 32:3 - "... feast upon the words of Christ ..."

This is a long block of prose!

I'll be honest, some days, I just don't have a relevant picture. This is probably obvious to you some posts, like when I start craning my neck to somehow tie the daily picture I took with the lesson I learned in the day. As it was, I figured that, at least for today, I would admit I'm at least aware when I'm doing this, and not hide the fact that the following picture has nothing to do with my thoughts. Enjoy!

Well, I just had a weird day in general yesterday. Falling asleep at 4:30am the night before was an idea that could have had disastrous consequences, especially considering I had volunteered to fill in for the DM for my DND group at 9:00am. I woke up at 8:10am, got showered, and arrived just in time to send my teammates on a battle against Scar and his hyena troop.

After that enjoyable adventure, I somehow managed to throw up a blog post and accomplish my daily goal for digitizing my journal before one of my residents knocked on my door and asked to talk. This was the same resident I'd taken to the ER a few nights prior, and he proudly showed me the tubes sticking out of his chest and just talked about everything that had happened after he called me to tell me he was heading into surgery. Poor guy obviously just wanted to talk, but right around the same time he showed up, I started hitting a wall, and about fell asleep on him right in the middle of our conversation.

I set an alarm for about two hours later than it was, hit the snooze button three times, and then just turned the whole thing off. I was out about four hours when my best bro called and asked if he could come hang out at my place. I mumbled something about being asleep, to which he called my bluff and showed up anyway. He roused me out of bed, which was good, considering I still had homework and sleep to accomplish later in the night, and we walked around campus and talked about life for a bit. We eventually parted ways, and I headed back to the dorm to write in my novel, read for my English class, and write a paper.

I was getting tired again, but I wanted to squeeze in an episode of MLP:FIM before midnight, so I threw Netflix on. Unfortunately, the internet was awful, so between buffers, I resumed my reading of the third book in the Maze Runner series. By the time the episode ended, my kindle told me I had about an hour left in the book. I had once again been sucked in by the plot, and so remained reading until just before 1:00am. I had a temple rededication to go to at 9:00am, so I prepared for bed.

Then, I remembered.

I had forgotten.

I was tired and ready to sleep, but I sure as heaven wasn't going to bed until I read my scriptures.

Lights back on, back to the couch, flip on my Gospel Library App, and I read a chapter out of the Book of Mormon and a chapter out of the New Testament. It was a shorter study session than I usually have, but I felt the Spirit, and it was enough.

When I was on my mission, my companions and I would ask our investigators or less-actives or recent converts to read a chapter or two out of the scriptures before we came back a few days later for our return appointment. Probably about 90% of the time, when we came back, they would tell us they 'didn't have time' in the interim.

My reminder for the day is: Make the time! It doesn't matter how tired you are, it doesn't matter what else you've done in the day, you will be strengthened and blessed when you read, study, and ponder God's word. I haven't missed a day since I've come back, though I've had close days like yesterday when I'm about to pass out and I'm reminded, 'Go.' I promise you, your life will seem that much more bright.

Being Productive on Days Off

Doctrine and Covenants 72:3 - "And verily in this thing ye have done wisely, for it is required of the Lord, at the hand of every steward, to render an account of his stewardship, both in time and in eternity."

.... Because, you see, I wasn't, I still haven't been today.
The cool thing about my class schedule is that I don't have any classes on Fridays, which means I have one whole extra day to really crack down on my journal and novel and blog and homework and be really productive and be proud of what I've accomplished for the day and ...
... Oh, wait, is that my alarm? I'm not doing anything today. I'll just turn it off and sleep for as long as I want and ...
... OH MY IS THAT THE SUN OUTSIDE? 11:45?!

This is ok. It's ok! I'm going out for lunch with friends at 1:00pm, I'm playing DnD at 6:00pm, that gives me about four or five hours to finish up some good ol' transcribing and typing and ...
... goodness I like being social, don't I? It's 6:00pm, and I've only finished a blog post and not even gotten through my daily journal goal!
...It's 2:00pm now. I finally got all the little daily things done. I guess I'll just head off to bed and wake up early so I can do a better job getting things all taken care of and ...
... Darn it, it's 11:30.
The link says it all, I hope. So now I'm going to lock myself out from the outside world and cram a whole heap of something in until Stake Conference and my ASL Homework Movie later tonight, for which I couldn't even get a date. WHHEHEEHEEHE
Love you guys! See you tomorrow!

Comparing Personal Revelation with Scripture: A Walk

After work last night, I was inexplicably restless. I decided, as though I hadn't already been walking enough, to take a lap around Helaman Halls to clear my mind and think out a few things.

I came to a series of conclusions on my walk, specifically concerning my prayers, that I now feel I need to change in my life. In specific, I need to pray ...

1.) ... before I embark on any creative projects. For me, that includes blogging, typing up my journal, drafting my novel, performing with my ukulele, creating any videos, or anything of the like. I've been walking a fine line, nearly forgetting from whom all these talents of mine come. Matthew 5:16; 2 Nephi 32:9.

2.) ... for missionary opportunities. I'm living next-room to a nonmember. I'm working with a lot of guys with varying levels of testimony. I can have them; I'm just not asking for them yet. Doctrine and Covenants 100:6.

3.) ... for guidance in locating my future family. I think a lot of my trepidation regarding dating comes from the fact that I am going about it solo. See, on my mission, my mission president told me, for my last few P-Days, to try and receive revelation about who I'm going to marry. After much wrestling, I feel pretty confident that the Lord just told me, "You get to know someone, choose them, and then ask me if I approve." I made a mistake in that I haven't really consulted with Him too much since then, working completely blind. Just because he wants me to make the decision on my own doesn't mean he won't nudge me in the right direction. Genesis 24:12.

4.) ... before I begin my studies. I actually pray before my scripture study every time, but I haven't been for my actual classes. Given my poor track record, I need all the help I can get. Alma 34:17-27.

... and, finally, one unrelated thing. I hadn't expected all these goodies when I'd first begun my walk, so I was pondering how that always seemed to be the case. "You always give me better than I expected," I mused to myself out loud.
You always give me better than I expected.
For some reason, that made me see things a whole lot differently.

Maleficent: Antithesis

Matthew 6:7 - "... for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking."

In my post from a few days ago, entitled "How to Spread," I talked about how to properly use your works to uplift and inspire others.
Then, I saw Maleficent.
Something people quickly learn about me is that, generally, I complain about things I like. In fact, generally, the more I can complain about them, the more I like them. If quiet disdain is all I'm able to muster for a creative work -- I'm looking at you, Phoenix: The Firestorm -- that generally means I find the work entirely without merit. Oh, sure, I can still list some things I hated about that book, but I won't analyze it to a pulp. On the flip side, some things about the massive epic I just finished reading really infuriated me, and I plan to rant and rave about it, but only because I like it so much.
With all that in mind, let me backtrack to the beginning of the story.
Yesterday, my former mission comp and I decided to hang out and go watch a cheap movie together with various members of his family. For a further glimpse into the brotherhood we share, I've actually allowed him to become one of currently two test readers for my novel. Anyone who knows me knows that's big.

The movie we all chose to see was Maleficent, a choice I still don't regret, because of the fascinating experience of criticism I was able to find.
I could really rip this things apart, but I want these posts to be brief and consumable, so I'm going to break my criticisms down among the possible audiences the film might have reached.
Children/Adolescents: This film got dark, very fast. In a matter of minutes, we go from frolicking fairies and hogsnouts to plans to brutally murder and/or maim said fairies and hogsnouts. We have trees smashing things, people dying quite dramatically, and post-graphic mutilation. The main antagonist's scenes portray bloodlust, madness, and quite disturbing threats. Many of the scenes featuring Maleficent at the very beginning, after her fall, are downright terrifying. To hit the point home, I think I heard a different kid crying in the theater at least once every five minutes after things got real.
Teens/Young Adults: This group would appreciate the darkness of the film a lot more, but would likely fail to overcome the random dark scenes the movie does try to hide. Why cut away right before the mutilation? Why are the battle scenes mostly comprised of people flapping their wings and running into each other? Are those soldiers ever going to learn to use their swords instead of tackling people? The buildup into the violence, the start of which surely would have captivated any teenage audience, becomes less than satisfactory when you realize that all the 'violence' is about as violent as a game of NFL. The violence and mayhem is certainly downplayed for the sake of the prior age group, but when you consider that the prior age group would be far less scared of a knife than of a nice lady turned into a mad, cackling psychopath, you realize the movie just cuts down both age groups.
Adults: Now, this movie was really made for you. After all, who doesn't like the scathing social commentary on various world governments and how they need to stop threatening to nuke each other? Or, even better yet, who can miss the fact that the main conflict is nothing more than an extended metaphor for overcoming rape? Sure, it's all wrapped up in stuff obviously designed to visually appeal to kids, but they won't understand, right? You may feel uncomfortable about what you're watching, but when Jimmy starts crying when Maleficent starts cursing babies, you realize that this movie wasn't made for your kids, either. And then you start to barf into your popcorn at the total vapidity of 95% of the cast, most notably Aurora, before realizing that you've actually been watching a remake of the Disney movie you haven't seen in 21 years but still find more universally appealing than what you're currently watching.
And, finally, what's the moral? We the gang who went and watched the movie agreed the moral was probably something along the lines of, "If you get wronged in life, kill the person who wronged you."
The moral of my story is, the writers failed. Not at creating a compelling world, which they did. Not at creating believable characters, which, I agree they did, with the possible exception of Aurora. No, the writers just didn't do what I suggested all writers do in my former blog post: Teach a divine truth. Uplift, inspire, and encourage those who are partaking of what there is to share. I understood the metaphors and analogies, but I failed to catch that they contained any real lesson to learn. I don't know what I was personally supposed to learn, but I didn't get it.
In the end, though, I really enjoyed the experience, both movie and palling around with my good ol' mission comp. Our dinner at the end was freaking awesome.
Hopefully, I can give you a good example of how to uplift your audience sometime in the near future.

How To Spread

2 Corinthians 5:17 - "Therefore, if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new."

One major flaw in my creative writings before my mission is they had no goal, no end purpose in mind. I didn't write to expound or illustrate truth, fact, or opinion; I wrote merely to entertain, nothing more. It was while I was on my mission that I recognized I was squandering a large potential for my talent. Why not use these stories and worlds that swirl around in my head to help teach or expound upon a matter of truth? Why not use my talent to build someone's faith and trust in God or some of His teachings?

Even in writing my novel, which is about anthropomorphic rabbits casting magic and performing rituals, I am trying to illustrate two noble truths concerning the way of things. This will be the first book I ever write with such a focus on making a point, even two. First, I desire to show how change and repentance is never impossible for anyone. Second, I desire to show the flawed mentality behind the ever-prevalent theory of neutral morality.

Hefty tasks, to be sure, but as I wrote one of the most important scenes in presenting the second truth yesterday, I felt proud. Proud and even convinced that what I'd written could help someone see what I was trying to explain, even using the most unlikely mouth of a rabbit. My writing, at that point, stopped being just telling a story. It was becoming a way to help.

I smiled a lot today, thinking about the minor successes I was having in cultivating this talent for good. As I spent time with my new-found friends at the end of the day, enjoying a rousing game of Quelf, I kept thinking back to the secret I'd stumbled upon, what I'd been missing. I wasn't worried about my dreams. I wasn't frustrated by my imperfections. I saw what I needed to improve, allowed myself to prepare for that improvement, and relaxed, fully enjoying myself. And it was enough.

Acceptance

Joshua 24:15  - "...Choose you this day whom ye will serve ..."

While I was on my mission, my mission president, President Brown, challenged me to take two hours out of every week to ponder and ask the Lord questions about who I needed and who He wanted me to be as a person.
I pondered questions from, "What qualities should I look for in a wife?' to "How generous should I really be?" One of the questions I asked myself was, "What should my top priorities be?" It was a very long and spiritual process, determining the order of my own priorities, but when I came to my final conclusion, I was surprised. Of the top five things I knew I would be facing in the near future--Education, Dating, Work, Callings, and Creative Projects--it seemed very obvious to me that, if anything was to be put on the back burner, it was my creative projects. I couldn't let one of the others slip in favor of that.
It was only yesterday, however, when I actually had to make that choice.

It hurt. I let my journaling and novel writing slide as I worked all day, training from morning to the evening and then fulfilling my assignment to decorate the hall before tomorrow. I was drained and frustrated when I finally finished after midnight, but there was no way I was going to even attempt to accomplish any portion of my projects. So, I let them lie.
Callings keep my mind and heart focused and in tune with the Savior.
Education helps me prepare to provide for my family in the future.
Work helps me provide for my education.
Dating will help me find a family.
Unfortunately, my creative projects are just that: a hobby. At least for now.

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O Wretched Cats

2 Nephi 4:17 - "Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities."

It's probably a good thing I'm leaving for BYU today. I felt a little bit like a crazy cat lady yesterday, masquerading myself, frolicking with felines, and napping, naturally. I'm not sure if this strange behavior is a sign that I really want to leave, or that I feel wholly unprepared for this next step in my life.
A theme seemed to frequently repeat itself in the recesses of my mind yesterday, whether I was writing in my journal, blog, or novel, whether I was watching Doctor Who or sleeping, whether I was trying to buy new ukulele strings or reading my scriptures. There is always another chance. Christ always has His arms stretched out to us. Always. I have seen so many individuals' lights go out because they gave up, because they are overwhelmed by the frailty of their humanity and erroneously conclude that their oft repeated mistakes have doomed them for the last time. I cannot allow that to happen to me, though I feel that way at times as well. Do not give up. There's always a brighter step.

Of Ink and Steel

1 John 4:9 - "In this was manifested the love of God toward us ..."

Yesterday was all about literature.
Indeed, I seem to be thriving in a sort of natural habitat for myself. I have gotten it all worked out that I can be doing something with words in some form in just about every second of the day. A quick rundown of what I did yesterday:
1.) Woke up and turned on Alcatraz and the Evil Librarians audio book. Exercised throughout.
2.) Read my scriptures during breakfast.
3.) Turned audio book back on for drive to work.
4.) Resumed reading Interesting Times ebook as I walk into office and wait for computer to boot up.
5.) Begin writing a series of three to five articles for internal and external audiences.

6.) Reward myself for a job well done between articles by reading a few paragraph blocks in ebook.
7.) Listen to ebook on way to meeting and back home again.
8.) Write blog post.
9.) Start typing up my personal daily quota of eight pages out of my mission journal.
10.) Sit down with Pops to watch The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey for the first time.
11.) Bachelor scripture study following the rollicking adventure.
12.) Finish typing journal quota.
13.) Touch novel a little bit. Review some notes for a particularly difficult upcoming scene.
14.) Play audio book while preparing for bed.

In thinking about it, I realize just how blessed I am to be living here, at this time, with the ability to push my work forward immediately, to be able to enjoy literature while doing other things, and, most importantly, to be able to really enjoy it. I have met so many miserable people who don't grasp just how awesome this time is! And, the thing is, it's not just me. God is allowing so many marvelous inventions in the world, that soon, I'm sure everyone will be able to do what they love, even playing football, even while driving to work. And that would just be groovy.

Why Preach My Marriage Doesn't Work

Preach My Gospel - "Use Preach My Gospel to meet your needs as a missionary ..."

I'll admit, I really thought that some of the things I learned on my mission would translate into the dating game. They just don't, much to my actual amusement. Some examples are more obvious. Preach My Gospel: A Guide to Missionary Service recommends that missionaries ask for referrals after every contact. Asking my blind date if they know any other single ladies is a really bad idea, and I don't need to test it to find out.
Some failed translations are less obvious. You'd think, given how much I practiced talking to people, that I would be a total Casanova and feel comfortable walking up to any lady, starting a conversation, and weaving the wordplay into an invitation. It just doesn't translate, unfortunately.
Of course, I was trying to explain this to the missionaries yesterday, who brought me along to a Single's Ward party to which they'd also invited an investigator. Completely aware I haven't gone on a single date since my return home, the two missionaries kept trying to get me to go ask this or that girl out. I had a hard time articulating how talking to random strangers about Christ is so much easier than talking to girls about my various qualities. All in all, it was a pretty hilarious night.

Dad has been reading my novel as I've been writing it, and I was grateful to watch him laugh and ponder as he consumed my world. I wouldn't have such a talent without Father's mercy, and I'm grateful to Him for that.

...Oh, and Mom is posing with a cantaloupe on which she drew a face. We're crazy over here.

Doin' Tings, yah?

Doctrine and Covenants 42:42 - "Thou shalt not be idle ..."

Emotions are unfamiliar creatures to me.
Oh, sure, I can recognize them, I can occasionally sense their instigation, I can even sometimes manipulate them in myself and others, a soft word here, a sharp word there, turning away anger and encouraging joy. I still don't get them, though. I don't understand why they're so hard to control, like a bull trying as hard as it can to buck off its rider. Oh, sure, the best of riders can stay on as long as possible, but there are few.
Why does anger lead to the destruction of relationships? Why does sadness lead to the destruction of self? Why does fright lead to the destruction of integrity? We can always choose against that path, but why it it so hard?

Today was one of those days where I felt like I accomplished a lot. I helped a family move, I started inserting pictures into the digitalized copy of my journal (only seven more volumes to type!), I wrote more of my novel, I remembered the Savior, I remembered what helps my remember the Savior, and I just DID. Of course, I haven't mastered the art of completely being productive all day ever day (I did watch more TV than is probably healthy), but I wasn't idle. I was doing my part. It would have been so easy for me to just sit back and do nothing these couple of months before heading off to college, having very little outside motivation for me to actually accomplish anything. No one is pushing me, no force is shoving me; everything is internal. That, my friends, is the best feeling ever.

Jumping Out and Jumping On

Doctrine and Covenants 25:12 - "... the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me ..."

Yesterday was a serious blast! I went to the temple with my parents, I completed a whole bunch of chores in serious need of ... uh ... completion, I began my new schedule for journal transcription, I relaxed, I watched ponies ...
And yes, while visiting the temple was the most important thing I did yesterday, the one event I took the most personal pride in was finally beginning the draft of my first post-mission novel. I can't really describe how hard it was to just ... begin. I conceived the plot and basic world structure nearly a year and a half ago. I refined the idea a year ago. It's been rattling around in my brain for that entire time. And yet, when I finally had the time to begin ... I got stuck.
I've been there a lot.
"The first scratch is always the worst."
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
What keeps me from starting? I fear I won't succeed. I fear my voice won't be heard. I fear I haven't invested enough in the project to complete it. I fear I lack the necessary strength or motivation to really perform such an awesome task.
It's like sky-diving, I guess - if I'm even qualified to make the comparison, considering I've never actually, you know, dove out of the sky.  I don't want to jump. I don't want to jump. I don wan oo jump. Idonwanoojump. Idonwanojum. IdowanojuIdowanojuIdowanoju...
WHOOP! I've jumped! From that point on, once I've hurdled the most terrifying part, the most risky step, everything falls together. All I can do is keep pushing forward, hoping for the very best outcome. The only way I can fail myself, at this point, is if I give up. No one may ever read what I write, but that failure is not on me. By entering the race at all, I've succeeded.

The painter waves his brush and takes a step back.
If only I'd painted that stroke in black.
The musician recalls the still-echoing tune.
If only I well-played that complex croon.
The actor bows to the sound of grand applause.
If only I'd delivered that line without pause.
The writer looks back on the sentence he wrote.
Another sentiment no person would quote.
And so each of us will try, try again,
To create an art worthy of the maker's hand,
Though we, through our years, will never make perfection,
We, ourselves, will come close through His pure affection.