Hey there! This is a commentary about the post I wrote on the 17th of December, 2014. Click here to read the original post!
I'll be honest with you, I find the meter on some of these old poems absolutely atrocious. This poem isn't so bad, but if I were ever going to deliver this poem verbally, I would have to practice saying it in such a way that it maintained a rhythm.
For example, look at these two lines:
When she says, "It's over," his face takes on a pall
When he says, "Can't do this," her tears begin to fall
Not terrible, I suppose, but I got all tripped up on the word 'begin' when I was rereading the poem. Fitting a two-syllable word into a sentence full of one-syllable words is a tricky business, and it often undermines the strength of the line.
I think a reading of those lines would help if you pause after the quotes. The issue is, if you read the line straight, it sounds awful. Blech.
Beyond the weakness of the meter and rhythm, I do think the poem's message is excellent. It follows the general theme of this month (dating) and how, because we're not made to be alone, God will grant us blessings in patience.
Of course, I also think I stretched super far with some the rhymes, so I feel like this might be one of my weaker poems.
WRITERS ARE NEVER SATISFIED WITH THEIR OWN WORK.
Either way, what do you think? Be sure to comment below!