I Conquer Weakness

This week's past two posts have talked about my lack of perfection and my mistake-making. The conclusion to this mini-arc focuses on how I combat my insecurities and weaknesses and turn them into strengths.

I imagine myself as a monarch over a castle. My best self is kept safe inside the castle walls.

So the gray part is my castle, the green part is grass, and I'm the yellow dot.

I'm ready to defend myself from any weaknesses that want to come in and wreck the place, thus holding back my best self.

Sure enough, before long, I'm attacked by two vices (the purple dots holding cutlasses). Let's say these are pride and anger. I rush to defend myself.

But then two more vices come onto the scene. These guys could be envy and hatred. Fearing the new threat, I rush to answer their assault, leaving pride and anger to attack my right flank.

But before I can do anything about envy and hatred, laziness and greed swoop in from the east. I leap forward, ready to take these new enemies out.

But then, lust and discontent barrel into the fray, and I race past laziness and greed to contend with these new enemies.

But by then, it's too late.

Because I spent so much time jumping from threat to threat, I never fired a single arrow. My defense was useless, and now all of my weaknesses are successfully battering down my best self.

I should have taken the time to tackle one weakness at a time. If, instead of racing to the new threat the moment it presented itself, I'd taken aim and gotten rid of the issues currently in front of me, then I might not have become overwhelmed.

Yes, by the time I took out pride, anger, envy, and hatred, the others might have put some sizable dents into my castle. However, the damage they would have ended up doing would have been far less than the entire combined body working together unhindered.

Now let's jump into the real world application.

We all have weaknesses and things that keep us from being our best selves. I have so many, in fact, that I am often overwhelmed by all the work I have to do on myself. Because I get caught up trying to balance so many things at once, I end up doing nothing at all.

So here's my advice.

Pick one thing about yourself that you want to work on. Focus on that one thing for a week. If you're satisfied you made progress, move on to focus on something new. As time goes on, you will find yourself circling back to the first thing you picked. You may not recognize improvement in yourself all at once, but taking things one step at a time will help you continue moving forward, as opposed to being overwhelmed and stagnating.

So get on up top of your castle's ramparts with a bow and a smile, and start picking off your personal goals one by one. I'll be right beside you in my own castle, plugging away myself.

I Make Mistaeks

As I said on Tuesday, I'm not perfect. And part of not being perfect is making mistaeks.

Mistaeks are things I struggle with. I have a hard time letting them go, if you remember my personality type from the 16 personalities post. As the website states, "[I] define [my] self-esteem by whether [I am] able to live up to [my] ideals, and sometimes ask for criticism more out of insecurity than out of confidence, always wondering what [I] could do better. If [I] fail to meet a goal or to help someone [I] said [I'd] help, [my] self-confidence will undoubtedly plummet."

As an example, I am a very huggy, touchy-feely sort of person who grew up in a household full of huggy, touchy-feely sort of people. Sure, some of us grew out of that, but I didn't. And so I sometimes make a jerkwad of myself when I go in for a hug with a friend I consider close, and they ain't havin' it.

Or other times, I make inappropriate jokes that sounded a whole lot better or even just cleaner inside my head. Sometimes I totally forget that I made a commitment. Other times, I'm just selfish and don't want to give my time of day to people who really need it.

And then I can't stop thinking about what I did wrong. I keep agonizing and sweating over my failures and wishing I didn't make such a fool of myself all the time.

I could go on. The thing is, no matter how many mistaeks I make, I know things are going to turn out all right.

I know this because things have turned out all right before.

So if you're anything like me, and you hate the mistakes you make, don't worry. Through the grace of our Savior, Jesus Christ, there will be nothing left broken or unhealed.

He hasn't left me yet, despite everything.

Evolution: And Another Thing ...

"Finding Joy in the Journey" - Thomas S. Monson

Yesterday, I described driving up a canyon to take some time to meditate. It while I was up there that I realized something very important.

I like going on drives without destination.

I have had many friends throughout the years who have advocated meandering drives. Some of those friends even go so far as to invite me to hang out with them on those drives. For the most part, I've turned them down. What's the point of moving when you're not heading anywhere? I thought.

My perspective on similarly simple things has also changed over the years. For example, whereas I used to fear and loathe dogs, now I, at the very least, tolerate them. It's funny to me how the passage of time can provide and prompt experiences and subtle changes to work within us, most of them without us ever recognizing them.

My drive yesterday was therapeutic in a way it never was back in the day. But now, I think back to those who first planted the seed all those years, and I thank them strongly.

Fighting Back: Ill Week

Alma 7:11 - "... and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and sicknesses of his people."

Since I returned from my mission, there have been few illnesses that have literally kept me from accomplishing the things I need to do. As it is, I have missed most of my classes the past two days. I probably would have missed all of them were it not for the RA appreciation party held today, for which I only dragged myself out of bed for two reasons. 

First, I'd made a promise I'd be there. 

Second, I needed to eat something, a simple task I hadn't completed for nearly eighteen hours. 

Thankfully, I managed to drug myself enough beforehand that I felt almost normal, but even as I write this post now, I feel the brunt returning.

Regardless, though I'm not feeling as peachy keen as I want, I have used what little free time I allow myself to maintain the gifts God has given me. 

I still haven't missed a blog post, not from yesterday, not today. 

I am nearly done with the sixth digitized volume of my mission journal.

I haven't failed to turn in any daily assignments.

I even managed to improve my aptitude with my favorite musical instruments, including the Melodica down below.

Yes, being sick has given me an excuse to slack off, and, to be honest, I've enjoyed that to a certain extent. However, I haven't let the sickness define me. I am still being the best I am, no matter what, even seeking to serve those around me when given the chance. And as I do so, I know I will feel all the more stronger.

Going Viral

John 4:11: "...from whence then hast thou that living water?"

It's been a long time since I've had unlimited internet service. Yesterday, as part of my excitement, I went surfing for some 'free software.' Leave it to me to click on one, innocent-looking link and invite adware and malware to abruptly and completely infest my mom's computer.

Of course, as I battled the uninvited guests through manual searches, virus-detecting software, and an eventual system restore, I recognized a grand lesson. Sometimes, I allow myself to let my guard down around a spiritual weakness I know I have. When I let down that drawbridge of sorts, in taking 'just one drink,' more often than not, I find myself sliding all the way back down to the depths I'd plumbed during the battle I'd fought before. Yes, it is through the Atonement of Jesus Christ that I can erase and remove the sin for good, as the system restore eventually removed the virus, but my life would have been a lot more productive and fulfilling yesterday if I wasn't working so hard at trying to overcome that past error. My life is always more productive and fulfilling when I never have to fight the same fight all over again.

Mom and Dad and I went on a hike of sorts up in Northern Oregon yesterday, visiting some of the natural waterfalls. We went all the way up to the top of one to see what the water sees right before it begins its descent. Along the way, we passed a couple of what looked like Tibetan Monks, one of whom was carrying an iPad. We were still boggling over that by the time we reached our destination.

I was again impressed by the little things that God has given us here on this earth. A waterfall really is a simple thing, if you think about it, but this place was packed, with people of all sorts coming to take in the sight. Of course, the park had franchised the whole thing, with hot dogs, fudge, wolf statues, and a fancy restaurant nestled at the base of the falls, but, to me, that was more evidence that people are still willing to really breathe in what God left us here, to invest in that which seems so underappreciated nowadays. Instead of staying home, watching TV, surfing the web, or playing Angry Birds, people were getting up on their feet on a Friday afternoon, no less, to go walk up and down a mountain. That's really it. I don't know that very many people were up there seeking anything but nature's sensory candy, from the lush vegetation to the spray to the fresh air ... and that was enough for me. If I can master the ability to unplug, then I imagine my connection with God will be all the more founded.