How I Am Weak

Matthew 5:48 - "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect."

You know what? I am a hypocrite. I do things that go against my beliefs every day.

I am lazy. I'll sit around for hours, watching TV, playing video games, things that do nothing for me as a person. I sometimes eat just because I can. I would love to see this blog make some actual money, and I get frustrated when I don't see millions pouring in. I even lust.

I think I'm better than everyone else. I compare myself to others, selecting certain aspects of their personality I find flawed and then patting myself on the back for being better than them. I ignore their own strengths so I can feel better about myself. If someone disagrees with me on something, I will always assume they are the insane one while I am the only sane man anywhere.

I envy. Oh, how I envy. I see people who are more successful than me, more attractive than me, more put-together than me, and I loathe them for it. I see people who are living my very dreams and aspirations and wish I could fill their shoes, especially if I think I could do it better than them. If someone has something I wish I had, I begrudge them for it.

And oh, my anger is a sight to behold. If I let it loose, it comes out of the gate like a starved, beaten tiger. When I'm angry, I lay a path of destruction and devastation behind me. I ruin relationships, splinter trust, and destroy the things I love. What's even better, whenever I'm deep in the throes of anger, I actually cry. Yes, I cry. Like a little sniveling, blubbering baby. I'm so bad at being the kind of person I want to be, I can't even be angry right. I just look ridiculous, pathetic.

I am not perfect. I am far from it. I hate it. Sometimes, I absolutely hate myself. I just want to be who I want to be.

That is, I want to be like Christ.

Well, I'll never be like Christ. I looked back yesterday and wondered if I've even really changed in the last few years. I thought my mission was changing me. Sometimes, I'm just not sure.

And I'm right. There's only one part of me I really feel has changed.

I trust the Savior more.

So, yes. I still lust and envy, I'm still lazy, angry, prideful, gluttonous, and greedy. But nowadays, I don't accept that those weaknesses of mine define me.

I know that, with the Savior, I can control and conquer them.